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Shock.

 

If anyone’s been following my blog, you’ll all know that I’m single & in the recovering phase from my last break up.

Basically, this article is about the ‘shock’ I received at 2AM in the morning & I actually don’t know whether that shock makes me stronger or pulls me more into depression.

This break up had already caused a lot of emotional damage but writing, talking to my friends and praying about it helped me a lot in coping up. If you read “Them Feels” and “Waiting” you’ll understand a lot more about my ex.
He chose not to respond or talk to me after he had dumped me & hung me on a thin thread or rather he threw me off a cliff. I was confused and depressed for a long time & here and there the little things around me struggled to keep me sane.

While talking to his best-friend last night, he suddenly mentioned my ex’s girlfriend. My mind was at a whirlpool that second. Girlfriend? What? Where? How? What did I miss?
And I recall exactly a week back when he mentioned to his best-friend that he missed ME, who in turn mentioned it to me.

So there you have it, he had a girlfriend right after 2 months of breaking up with me.
I think I broke down for the next 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes at 2AM. There were hours wasted on him with my tears previously but last night it was just 5 minutes. The good person I thought he was, vanished from my mind. All my confusion about the situation seemed crystal clear. I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t dwell any more on his topic. I instantly knew I had to get a grip and move on. All this while I’d wasted time that waits for none on someone who was already happily ever after dating someone else.

I don’t know whether to regret all the times I’ve prayed for his good health and happiness or to still think “oh I’m the nice girl who cares”. I don’t know whether to regret all the times I’ve wasted my time & patience on him. I don’t know.
The almost 5 months spent with him were bliss & now it feels like I’ve got sucked into a black hole after he left. Love is kind, love is happiness but love is pain. That searing pain right through your heart. That is love.

Of course, I reiterate the fact; Never expect anything from anyone, but I still couldn’t give up completely on the part that he wouldn’t come back. I thought he’d message me once.

To be honest, I felt like crap only for those 5 minutes and again when I woke up this morning. I’m at least glad I woke up. The distant picture of his face washed over my mind as I walked myself to the wash room. The thought that he’d found someone else when the last thing he’d told me was he always loved me and he’d call me one day. I felt eerily strange and resumed my daily activities not giving a care.

I survived the shock I received last night. I’m happy I didn’t react how I usually did to such things. I’m happy I woke up fine today. I’m happy to know I still have a few good people who care about me. I’m happy I didn’t lose my temper & I’m still sane. This shock actually gave me a chance to stand up. Today I didn’t bother shedding a tear. I chose to be happy.

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Recovering

It’s been 2 months now that I’ve been waiting. Waiting for the moment my phone will ring with his name or number flashing. I guess that’s why it’s better never to expect anything from anyone, not even yourself.

The major accomplishments I’ve achieved in these days were writing various articles on my blog, reading about a lot of things happening in and around the world, goofing around with friends, University shopping, watching a lot of good and stupid movies and listening to lots & lots of music!

There have been many times he still aimlessly crosses my mind. The thought of how he’s doing back home, what’s he up to and a countless more questions are always left unanswered. The best part of all is I actually forgot how he sounds. Waking up every day to his sleepy voice was my alarm, now it seems so distant since I spared no memory of him around me.

I continue to be close with his best friend. The phase I’m going through may be a vulnerable one but I have control over my emotions to an extent. The fact that the guy I talk to almost all the time roams around with my ex disturbs me a lot but helps me mature and grow over it. It aids in the moving on part in some way. I always thought the patience I hold for my ex to come back and talk to me will one day turn in to hatred soon. Guess that process has started already.

I love being busy doing something or the other. For instance writing or listening to songs. I love reading emotional blogs, the ones about heart breaks or the lack of love. No, I’m not emo. I honestly admire the way other people depict their lives through a social site and words. I started writing just 2 months back to constantly feel better and it really does help.

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It’s honestly easier said than done when everyone gives their advice on moving on. I’m the most laziest and stubborn girl in this planet. I can take up to a year to move on completely. My mind loves dwelling in the past. Yes it isn’t healthy but someday I’ll move forward. I’m mostly a pessimist but sometimes it’s good to be an optimist and think positive. It’s really hard to cope up but after the rain, there’s always the sun.

The good news is that the nothing lasts forever and the bad news is that nothing lasts forever. Deep quote I know, but very true. Nothing does last forever. When you feel like you’re having a rough day like me, put your hand on your heart and feel your heartbeat. It beats for a purpose. You’re breathing for a reason. Therefore, live.

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Yes, I wear a bra. Yes, it shows. So?

Got this off a beautiful note written by Nivedita N Kumar. If not the Indian society, then the whole world in a whole. Grow up people!

Why? Why do you do that? Stare at my breasts like they are cute babies calling out to be cuddled. Strip me naked, slowly, every time I enter the bus? Try to glimpse into my cleavage when I am sitting and reading in the metro.

Who gives you the right? To grope me in the crowded bus? To fall on me “innocently” when I buy popcorn in the theatre. When I sit cross legged in the auto and you stop your bike and look hungrily at my legs.

A piece of meat, am I?
How do you think I feel? When I have to continuously watch over my shoulder, because it is 10 pm and there is nobody at the bus stop, except you. Staring at my neck.

When I panic, because my phone is dead, and I am in a cab wearing a backless dress?
When my friends and parents worry that I have to travel alone at night?
When I am sleepless in the bus, thinking, that your hands will pin me down and yank my clothes away?

What makes you think I should not wear that pretty black skirt?
To be scared. Afraid. Tensed. Every time I am not at home.
What makes you think I like it when I find you smiling at my bra strap that shows?

Yes, I wear a bra. Yes, it shows. So?
Ohh, don’t say that its my clothes! I have found you eyeing the waist of that woman who was wearing the plain faded saree. Your eyes get all excited when the young college going girl enters the bus in just a kurta (type of cloth women wear), no dupatta (long scarf) covering her bosom.

And yes, one slip of the pallu or dupatta (long scarf) and you go wild.
Staring. Smiling. And staring.
So, if I have a beer in my hand when I am on a beach, you think you can click my picture?
When I wear hot pants and laugh with a guy you think you can pinch my ass?

Does the lit cigarette in my hand seem like an invitation to you? To come violate my body with your eyes?

Yes, I am a girl and I drink alcohol, so I am an ‘easy target’. Is that it?
Yes, I drink. I smoke. Does that mean I want to have sex with you and every man on the street?

You. Who teach your daughter to be safe from evil eyes, don’t flinch before mentally having sex with me when you see me on the street?

You, who get angry when a boy smiles at your sister, don’t feel ashamed standing at the street corner whistling at me every night.
No practice what you preach, for you, right.

Do you still think I am the one who needs to change?

 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/notes/nivedita-n-kumar/yes-i-wear-a-bra-yes-it-shows-so/702214979815189?fref=nf