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Yes, I wear a bra. Yes, it shows. So?

Got this off a beautiful note written by Nivedita N Kumar. If not the Indian society, then the whole world in a whole. Grow up people!

Why? Why do you do that? Stare at my breasts like they are cute babies calling out to be cuddled. Strip me naked, slowly, every time I enter the bus? Try to glimpse into my cleavage when I am sitting and reading in the metro.

Who gives you the right? To grope me in the crowded bus? To fall on me “innocently” when I buy popcorn in the theatre. When I sit cross legged in the auto and you stop your bike and look hungrily at my legs.

A piece of meat, am I?
How do you think I feel? When I have to continuously watch over my shoulder, because it is 10 pm and there is nobody at the bus stop, except you. Staring at my neck.

When I panic, because my phone is dead, and I am in a cab wearing a backless dress?
When my friends and parents worry that I have to travel alone at night?
When I am sleepless in the bus, thinking, that your hands will pin me down and yank my clothes away?

What makes you think I should not wear that pretty black skirt?
To be scared. Afraid. Tensed. Every time I am not at home.
What makes you think I like it when I find you smiling at my bra strap that shows?

Yes, I wear a bra. Yes, it shows. So?
Ohh, don’t say that its my clothes! I have found you eyeing the waist of that woman who was wearing the plain faded saree. Your eyes get all excited when the young college going girl enters the bus in just a kurta (type of cloth women wear), no dupatta (long scarf) covering her bosom.

And yes, one slip of the pallu or dupatta (long scarf) and you go wild.
Staring. Smiling. And staring.
So, if I have a beer in my hand when I am on a beach, you think you can click my picture?
When I wear hot pants and laugh with a guy you think you can pinch my ass?

Does the lit cigarette in my hand seem like an invitation to you? To come violate my body with your eyes?

Yes, I am a girl and I drink alcohol, so I am an ‘easy target’. Is that it?
Yes, I drink. I smoke. Does that mean I want to have sex with you and every man on the street?

You. Who teach your daughter to be safe from evil eyes, don’t flinch before mentally having sex with me when you see me on the street?

You, who get angry when a boy smiles at your sister, don’t feel ashamed standing at the street corner whistling at me every night.
No practice what you preach, for you, right.

Do you still think I am the one who needs to change?

 

Source: https://www.facebook.com/notes/nivedita-n-kumar/yes-i-wear-a-bra-yes-it-shows-so/702214979815189?fref=nf

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Waiting

What is frustrating? The wait for a reply is frustrating. The patience to sit and anticipate what the other person would be writing to you is frustrating. But what if that never comes? What if your attempts were futile?

Every message you’d sent him after the end, went unread. There were reasons untold. Your brain did some excessive thinking. Tears dried up in the process of waiting. It’s dangerous to leave your mind wandering to random thoughts and the knowledge of them not caring is the worst knowledge of all.

In the process of waiting, you’re trying to keep yourself busy. Busy is what you should be. Keeping your mind in something else would help, but those memories still seem to seep in. You might think you’re waiting for a plane at the bus station but someday that bus will come and take you to your plane.

It can take long but it takes faith to stay on that road and if waiting means you’ll be able to be with that someone, you’d wait as long as forever.

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There are so many things we attach to the people we love; songs, movies, things, people, actors, food and so much more. You can’t go through those things without thinking of that certain someone. When it’s all over you have the memories left. You see the same things every day and you’re gonna think of them. It’s painful and you choose to smile through that pain.

I attach a lot of things to my ex which I’d be naming for instance,

Beautiful & soulful tracks which I barely listen to any more, the great game of Football that he loves and which I still am courageously watching everyday (FIFA World Cup), an Indian mouthwatering delicacy called the “Chicken Biriyani” which I’ve kind of stopped eating nowadays, playing few games on the iPad cause they were all suggested by him (I’ve even deleted them), cuddling my one and only soft toy Teddy because I’d bought it for him and few movies like Don Jon, This is War, 2 States (Bollywood).

It’s almost a month since the breakup, a month of no response from the other end and a month of silence between us. It’s hard when someone special ignores you but harder pretending not to care. It’s difficult for me and so many others to look at things and be quite normal about it. Just like the rain falls because the cloud can no longer handle the weight, tears too fall because the heart can no longer handle the pain.

Someday they’ll realize the damage they’ve caused and the same day we’ll find the need to move on. There’ll be a day where we’ll relate these same things to new people and I hope I find my day soon.

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Him

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think much

 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think at all

 

Every damn memory, every small feeling

 

The constant picture of his face

 

Pinned to my heart and mind

 

 

 

From getting up to his voice every morning

 

To sleeping to his goodnight

 

Preparing my everyday schedule according to his

 

Complaining about my daily affairs, he’d gently listen

 

Always loved it when I‘d talk more

 

He begged to hear my voice

 

 

 

I’d stop all my activities just for him

 

For us to have some time

 

Distance made it hard

 

But the love was true

 

We could talk about anything

 

His curiosity for me was always adorable

 

 

 

All the late night Skype calls and voice notes

 

We could just start at anything

 

To talking about our friends to the food we ate, football, life and so on

 

Laughing till our stomach’s hurt

 

The crazy nonsensical conversations

 

 

 

The thought of him being far always killed

 

He’d tell me he’s within my heart at all times

 

I’d become a little miserable

 

The amount of doubts in my head

 

But everything was based on trust

 

 

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Trust is a strong word

 

It could be easily crumpled

 

I had faith on him and God but

 

Infidelity could be around the corner

 

That isn’t an easy thought to kill

 

 

 

Honesty was appreciated

 

Rudeness wasn’t

 

The tiny fights we’d have

 

They’d always end before the day

 

We’d be sorry and apologise profusely

 

Realising that we’re better than this

 

 

 

All those promises of never leaving

 

All the agreements we had

 

Everything changed in a night

 

The frustration, the tears, the arguments

 

It was all heated up

 

 

 

The assumptions from the corner of my brain

 

Everything was crawling right back up

 

All that over thinking

 

What I never wanted to be true

 

Might have been the reason for this

 

 

 

He left, he dumped me

 

I never knew why

 

I tried to stop thinking

 

The reason was the maddest

 

But there was an untold truth

 

 

 

A week passed by

 

Things have been good and bad

 

I now look at the future

 

It surely holds something good

 

Something that would make me believe again

 

Something where I’d feel myself again

 

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Miracles

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Miracles happen? Let’s see how mine turned up.

Since a long time now, I would pray sincerely every day for at least 10 minutes. Thanking the lord for everything, the joy and the pain and whatever he thought was good for me. Even though the fights between me and him (who I was dating at that point) would get a little worse, I’d pray for everyone’s happiness and health. I’d sit and talk to God whenever I wanted. I finally felt like there was someone to listen to all the crap I go through every day. Sadly, after 4 months of continuous praying, it suddenly came to a standstill.

I stopped praying. For 48 entire hours, I didn’t bother to get up and contemplate about something I stopped believing in. I didn’t want to. The tears made me sightless and almost soulless. I’d never found anything harder to cope back to normalcy.

Till the confusing way I’d been dumped, I’d prayed once a day. It didn’t have to be where the idols where at home. I could pray anywhere at any place and someone above me would listen as I also don’t believe in praying to someone in particular.

But the day I stopped, I was infuriated. What I believed in everyday and every time, nothing came true. I’m an impatient girl. But 4 months isn’t too short, not for me. As angry as I ever was, I promised myself I wouldn’t go pray until the situation got better. Pretty immature you may think, right?

Yet, I’d succeeded day one by just crying to myself. I didn’t even want to be the hypocrite by uttering “Oh my God!” and I had achieved that undertaking too. This went on to day two. I didn’t make time to pray on purpose. I didn’t know why but I felt a little odd without talking to someone, including God. Don’t take me wrong, I am not a spiritual human being, I don’t spend time at temples and chant something all the time. I have a mantra and I say it when needed. I managed to stop myself from wailing that night which was an achievement though!

Then came the third day when my mother had stepped out for some daily needs and believe it or not, when I’m home alone I tend to over think more than the usual. I start talking and asking questions to myself, contemplating facts and realities. Thinking about why I was again who played the victim’s role in this relationship, why do I always suffer from damage, why was I so weak, why did I trust him with my life and endless more questions, tears formed in my eyelids. I ultimately went and sat in front of the small temple at home and flooded with the rest of my tears. I just cried and the idols merely stared back at me. I sobbed and asked why everything I had believed in was a lie? Why was life unfair to me? Why me? I could go on.

I strongly believe that whatever happens, it happens for a reason which only the lord knows. I couldn’t know the answer because that would be my end. I truly thought this guy was the last reason to all my questions and all my past mistakes had led me to him. I genuinely felt that from within but he abandoned me with the silliest of reasons. I had no cause to believe anything else after that. I chose not to but with those sobs, I prayed that day sincerely wishing God would listen to me somehow and get me back my happy days.

Since after two days of my breakdown, I hadn’t gone anywhere, I had no energy or liveliness to get up and move an inch forward. I was stuck to my irrational questions and my miserable history but after I’d prayed, the same third day I was to go meet one of my closest friends as it was her birthday treat at Mc Donald’s and I was getting ready for the same. I was furiously thinking how I would plaster a smile on my face with a band aid on my heart though a few minutes later, my phone rang out loud. Thinking it would be one of my other girlfriends checking up on how I was doing, I was stunned more than excited as it was a very good friend whom I’d not had a conversation since the last 4-5 months! He’d called me to inform that he was in town for a month and a half and wanted to catch up with me. The conversation went on for more than ten minutes and I had the genuine smile back on my face. The walls could hear my lost laughter after two days…

I smiled looking at the ceiling and at that moment, I knew.

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Crying

 

 

Does crying help? How does it?

 

Personally speaking, it does for me. I can easily let go of my emotions by crying it out to myself or to someone. Everyone might oppose to crying because of the famous line “Crying doesn’t help anyone”, but what if it does?

 

Crying can be for both happy and sad reasons. You might cry for a few minutes if you’re really happy or proud about something. You can cry for hours if you’ve lost someone or something. All the pent-up feelings you have inside yourself, how do you want to let that go? No one should keep them bottled up. It harms you. It makes one over think any situation. The best remedy is to remove those feelings completely. Have a clear mind. You should accept what has happened. You can’t undo the past. Even if you do, it wouldn’t be the same nor feel the same.

 

I honestly talk to myself out loud if I have to stop myself from crying. I stroll around my room telling myself to stop. I look up at the ceiling to hold back the tears running down my cheeks. They’re literally unstoppable and uncontrollable. Once you break down, it is hard to stop. Thus, I end up on my bed, face the sheets and weep it all out. How hard is it to stop those distant memories to flood back into your mind again? Especially when each and every thing you look at reminds you of them? You feel your minds playing games with you. Tricky games of reminding you of those days bygone. You’re just lost in your own world, your own bubble that broke.

 

The worst type of crying is when you don’t wanna make any noise so that someone doesn’t hear you and ask you anything. You cry silently, tears trickling down your face and you put your hands to your face and shut your mouth. Those miserable sobs; you feel dejected and gloomy. Well, gloomy is an understatement.

 

How can you call it love when you’re crying more than you’re smiling? What if you weren’t crying more than you were smiling? You were smiling and laughing after a long time. “Nothing lasts forever”. I don’t know whether that’s true but crying about not having a forever does give me and many others some unknown satisfaction. I rather leave that unknown, a mystery. 

 

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Them feels

You’ve had a bad break up. The worst blow you could have. You really loved him with every small atom and molecule in your body. After 4 long months, he says those words, “I can’t take this anymore!” and he leaves. The next is your eyes welling up with tears; the tears that start to blind you. Your lips begin trembling and the tears fall faster. However hard you try to compose yourself to reality, your mind is full of memories and all of them crashing one after another. Every intricate detail, every small thing you remember, all those good times. You gave your heart and soul to this guy and he left. He just chose to abandon you when a day back everything was bliss and you’re wondering where it all went wrong. Your brain can’t function; you feel your heart has temporarily stopped beating and you have no knowledge of your feelings. All those feelings that you had in your stomach when your heart broke, it’s like all the butterflies have now died. You don’t feel strong enough to give yourself any hope, confidence or optimism.

You’re pacing in your room and talking to yourself. All you can say is “No… this can’t be happening…

You realize you’re talking to yourself. It’s absurd but you don’t feel there’s anything better to do. The rest of your family is busy with their daily duties, vision-less and oblivious to your tears, cries and feelings. You suddenly feel lonely. Personally, it’s always happened to me that when you’re in need of someone at that moment, no one is there to be found. You need somebody, anybody to let out your wails of depression and then you find yourself staring at the mirror. You look at how messy you are. You feel dirty all of a sudden. Your red eyes are swollen up and ready to fall out. You’re sniffing your nose, trying so desperately to get a grip of your emotions and you’re terribly failing. You failed. Failed to keep him by your side, failed to give him the happiness he wanted, failed at everything.

Out of this depression there are so many feelings unanswered. You wish to harm yourself, you feel like flinging your phone somewhere, you might want to bang your head on the wall, etc. At the end of all these feelings, you just lie down on your bed, face the sheets and cry. You might get up and feel crying was a waste of energy but you repeat it a few more times. The few ‘friends’ you told that it’s over between you and him, don’t really bother. It’s pure gossip to their ears. They give you some bull advice on moving on, they tell you they’re gonna take you out every day and enjoy and all those other girly things. For a few days you might want to be enclosed within the 4 walls of your room, delete all evidences of your boyfriend, now ex, from your phone and break a few things too.

Nevertheless, the worst feeling of all is when you know he was at fault and you still choose to blame yourself or you make up excuses to make yourself feel better about the situation. He’s mentally and emotionally killed you. That’s how you feel. That’s what he made you feel. You were so attached to him that you accepted all his wrongdoings thinking, “Oh, it’s fine! I love him and mistakes do happen.

What about the times when you over thought? When the small fights between you both began and few things just fell into place? You secretly thought your assumptions that he was up to something you were unaware of were not coincidental but true. You still chose to trust him. You wish you never met him; never fell for his lies, there was no need of loving a deceitful person like him, no need for the pain and no need for everything that he did to make you feel like absolutely nothing.

But when can you let go? How long will it take you to forget those 4 months, those bitter-sweet memories, his voice, his face, all those tiny details about him that you knew? For a fact, it depends on you to move on. It’s you who can bring that change. You can choose to get up, stand on your own two feet and walk. If all the doors of life are locked for you and you have no key, build another one. Try to love yourself. Try to forgive yourself first. Honestly for me, the moving on, the getting up and trying to walk on my own, is very hard. It’s hard for anyone going through something like this. None of you might understand what the actual person has gone through for example, me. Loving someone is not easy. At least not for me it’s not.

To conclude, I’d like to quote,

“Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do; Move On.”

 

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