If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation. Depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness there’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest noblest and best things you will ever do.
If anyone’s been following my blog, you’ll all know that I’m single & in the recovering phase from my last break up.
Basically, this article is about the ‘shock’ I received at 2AM in the morning & I actually don’t know whether that shock makes me stronger or pulls me more into depression.
This break up had already caused a lot of emotional damage but writing, talking to my friends and praying about it helped me a lot in coping up. If you read “Them Feels” and “Waiting” you’ll understand a lot more about my ex.
He chose not to respond or talk to me after he had dumped me & hung me on a thin thread or rather he threw me off a cliff. I was confused and depressed for a long time & here and there the little things around me struggled to keep me sane.
While talking to his best-friend last night, he suddenly mentioned my ex’s girlfriend. My mind was at a whirlpool that second. Girlfriend? What? Where? How? What did I miss?
And I recall exactly a week back when he mentioned to his best-friend that he missed ME, who in turn mentioned it to me.
So there you have it, he had a girlfriend right after 2 months of breaking up with me.
I think I broke down for the next 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes at 2AM. There were hours wasted on him with my tears previously but last night it was just 5 minutes. The good person I thought he was, vanished from my mind. All my confusion about the situation seemed crystal clear. I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t dwell any more on his topic. I instantly knew I had to get a grip and move on. All this while I’d wasted time that waits for none on someone who was already happily ever after dating someone else.
I don’t know whether to regret all the times I’ve prayed for his good health and happiness or to still think “oh I’m the nice girl who cares”. I don’t know whether to regret all the times I’ve wasted my time & patience on him. I don’t know.
The almost 5 months spent with him were bliss & now it feels like I’ve got sucked into a black hole after he left. Love is kind, love is happiness but love is pain. That searing pain right through your heart. That is love.
Of course, I reiterate the fact; Never expect anything from anyone, but I still couldn’t give up completely on the part that he wouldn’t come back. I thought he’d message me once.
To be honest, I felt like crap only for those 5 minutes and again when I woke up this morning. I’m at least glad I woke up. The distant picture of his face washed over my mind as I walked myself to the wash room. The thought that he’d found someone else when the last thing he’d told me was he always loved me and he’d call me one day. I felt eerily strange and resumed my daily activities not giving a care.
I survived the shock I received last night. I’m happy I didn’t react how I usually did to such things. I’m happy I woke up fine today. I’m happy to know I still have a few good people who care about me. I’m happy I didn’t lose my temper & I’m still sane. This shock actually gave me a chance to stand up. Today I didn’t bother shedding a tear. I chose to be happy.
You’ve had a bad break up. The worst blow you could have. You really loved him with every small atom and molecule in your body. After 4 long months, he says those words, “I can’t take this anymore!” and he leaves. The next is your eyes welling up with tears; the tears that start to blind you. Your lips begin trembling and the tears fall faster. However hard you try to compose yourself to reality, your mind is full of memories and all of them crashing one after another. Every intricate detail, every small thing you remember, all those good times. You gave your heart and soul to this guy and he left. He just chose to abandon you when a day back everything was bliss and you’re wondering where it all went wrong. Your brain can’t function; you feel your heart has temporarily stopped beating and you have no knowledge of your feelings. All those feelings that you had in your stomach when your heart broke, it’s like all the butterflies have now died. You don’t feel strong enough to give yourself any hope, confidence or optimism.
You’re pacing in your room and talking to yourself. All you can say is “No… this can’t be happening…”
You realize you’re talking to yourself. It’s absurd but you don’t feel there’s anything better to do. The rest of your family is busy with their daily duties, vision-less and oblivious to your tears, cries and feelings. You suddenly feel lonely. Personally, it’s always happened to me that when you’re in need of someone at that moment, no one is there to be found. You need somebody, anybody to let out your wails of depression and then you find yourself staring at the mirror. You look at how messy you are. You feel dirty all of a sudden. Your red eyes are swollen up and ready to fall out. You’re sniffing your nose, trying so desperately to get a grip of your emotions and you’re terribly failing. You failed. Failed to keep him by your side, failed to give him the happiness he wanted, failed at everything.
Out of this depression there are so many feelings unanswered. You wish to harm yourself, you feel like flinging your phone somewhere, you might want to bang your head on the wall, etc. At the end of all these feelings, you just lie down on your bed, face the sheets and cry. You might get up and feel crying was a waste of energy but you repeat it a few more times. The few ‘friends’ you told that it’s over between you and him, don’t really bother. It’s pure gossip to their ears. They give you some bull advice on moving on, they tell you they’re gonna take you out every day and enjoy and all those other girly things. For a few days you might want to be enclosed within the 4 walls of your room, delete all evidences of your boyfriend, now ex, from your phone and break a few things too.
Nevertheless, the worst feeling of all is when you know he was at fault and you still choose to blame yourself or you make up excuses to make yourself feel better about the situation. He’s mentally and emotionally killed you. That’s how you feel. That’s what he made you feel. You were so attached to him that you accepted all his wrongdoings thinking, “Oh, it’s fine! I love him and mistakes do happen.”
What about the times when you over thought? When the small fights between you both began and few things just fell into place? You secretly thought your assumptions that he was up to something you were unaware of were not coincidental but true. You still chose to trust him. You wish you never met him; never fell for his lies, there was no need of loving a deceitful person like him, no need for the pain and no need for everything that he did to make you feel like absolutely nothing.
But when can you let go? How long will it take you to forget those 4 months, those bitter-sweet memories, his voice, his face, all those tiny details about him that you knew? For a fact, it depends on you to move on. It’s you who can bring that change. You can choose to get up, stand on your own two feet and walk. If all the doors of life are locked for you and you have no key, build another one. Try to love yourself. Try to forgive yourself first. Honestly for me, the moving on, the getting up and trying to walk on my own, is very hard. It’s hard for anyone going through something like this. None of you might understand what the actual person has gone through for example, me. Loving someone is not easy. At least not for me it’s not.
To conclude, I’d like to quote,
“Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do; Move On.”