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Miracles

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Miracles happen? Let’s see how mine turned up.

Since a long time now, I would pray sincerely every day for at least 10 minutes. Thanking the lord for everything, the joy and the pain and whatever he thought was good for me. Even though the fights between me and him (who I was dating at that point) would get a little worse, I’d pray for everyone’s happiness and health. I’d sit and talk to God whenever I wanted. I finally felt like there was someone to listen to all the crap I go through every day. Sadly, after 4 months of continuous praying, it suddenly came to a standstill.

I stopped praying. For 48 entire hours, I didn’t bother to get up and contemplate about something I stopped believing in. I didn’t want to. The tears made me sightless and almost soulless. I’d never found anything harder to cope back to normalcy.

Till the confusing way I’d been dumped, I’d prayed once a day. It didn’t have to be where the idols where at home. I could pray anywhere at any place and someone above me would listen as I also don’t believe in praying to someone in particular.

But the day I stopped, I was infuriated. What I believed in everyday and every time, nothing came true. I’m an impatient girl. But 4 months isn’t too short, not for me. As angry as I ever was, I promised myself I wouldn’t go pray until the situation got better. Pretty immature you may think, right?

Yet, I’d succeeded day one by just crying to myself. I didn’t even want to be the hypocrite by uttering “Oh my God!” and I had achieved that undertaking too. This went on to day two. I didn’t make time to pray on purpose. I didn’t know why but I felt a little odd without talking to someone, including God. Don’t take me wrong, I am not a spiritual human being, I don’t spend time at temples and chant something all the time. I have a mantra and I say it when needed. I managed to stop myself from wailing that night which was an achievement though!

Then came the third day when my mother had stepped out for some daily needs and believe it or not, when I’m home alone I tend to over think more than the usual. I start talking and asking questions to myself, contemplating facts and realities. Thinking about why I was again who played the victim’s role in this relationship, why do I always suffer from damage, why was I so weak, why did I trust him with my life and endless more questions, tears formed in my eyelids. I ultimately went and sat in front of the small temple at home and flooded with the rest of my tears. I just cried and the idols merely stared back at me. I sobbed and asked why everything I had believed in was a lie? Why was life unfair to me? Why me? I could go on.

I strongly believe that whatever happens, it happens for a reason which only the lord knows. I couldn’t know the answer because that would be my end. I truly thought this guy was the last reason to all my questions and all my past mistakes had led me to him. I genuinely felt that from within but he abandoned me with the silliest of reasons. I had no cause to believe anything else after that. I chose not to but with those sobs, I prayed that day sincerely wishing God would listen to me somehow and get me back my happy days.

Since after two days of my breakdown, I hadn’t gone anywhere, I had no energy or liveliness to get up and move an inch forward. I was stuck to my irrational questions and my miserable history but after I’d prayed, the same third day I was to go meet one of my closest friends as it was her birthday treat at Mc Donald’s and I was getting ready for the same. I was furiously thinking how I would plaster a smile on my face with a band aid on my heart though a few minutes later, my phone rang out loud. Thinking it would be one of my other girlfriends checking up on how I was doing, I was stunned more than excited as it was a very good friend whom I’d not had a conversation since the last 4-5 months! He’d called me to inform that he was in town for a month and a half and wanted to catch up with me. The conversation went on for more than ten minutes and I had the genuine smile back on my face. The walls could hear my lost laughter after two days…

I smiled looking at the ceiling and at that moment, I knew.

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Crying

 

 

Does crying help? How does it?

 

Personally speaking, it does for me. I can easily let go of my emotions by crying it out to myself or to someone. Everyone might oppose to crying because of the famous line “Crying doesn’t help anyone”, but what if it does?

 

Crying can be for both happy and sad reasons. You might cry for a few minutes if you’re really happy or proud about something. You can cry for hours if you’ve lost someone or something. All the pent-up feelings you have inside yourself, how do you want to let that go? No one should keep them bottled up. It harms you. It makes one over think any situation. The best remedy is to remove those feelings completely. Have a clear mind. You should accept what has happened. You can’t undo the past. Even if you do, it wouldn’t be the same nor feel the same.

 

I honestly talk to myself out loud if I have to stop myself from crying. I stroll around my room telling myself to stop. I look up at the ceiling to hold back the tears running down my cheeks. They’re literally unstoppable and uncontrollable. Once you break down, it is hard to stop. Thus, I end up on my bed, face the sheets and weep it all out. How hard is it to stop those distant memories to flood back into your mind again? Especially when each and every thing you look at reminds you of them? You feel your minds playing games with you. Tricky games of reminding you of those days bygone. You’re just lost in your own world, your own bubble that broke.

 

The worst type of crying is when you don’t wanna make any noise so that someone doesn’t hear you and ask you anything. You cry silently, tears trickling down your face and you put your hands to your face and shut your mouth. Those miserable sobs; you feel dejected and gloomy. Well, gloomy is an understatement.

 

How can you call it love when you’re crying more than you’re smiling? What if you weren’t crying more than you were smiling? You were smiling and laughing after a long time. “Nothing lasts forever”. I don’t know whether that’s true but crying about not having a forever does give me and many others some unknown satisfaction. I rather leave that unknown, a mystery. 

 

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We Found Weed in a Dopeless Place

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It’s a funny no-pun intended song, my friend and I had come up with 2 years back. No disrespect to anyone. I share credits with Lakshya Motwani.

Yellow leaves in a pan

And we’re getting high side by side

As your smoke bubbles cross mine

What it takes to come alive

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny

But I cannot let it go

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

Shine a light burn in the stove

Love a life I will get high

Turn away cause I need some more

Feel the weed go through my windpipe

It’s the way I’m feeling I just can’t deny

But I cannot let it go

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

Yellow leaves in a pan

And we’re getting high side by side

As your smoke bubbles cross mine

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

We found weed in a dopeless place

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Thinking Of You

Another one penned from 2011.

The feeling of being together kills me.

Cause it was a dream

Where I break free,

My emotions

Find their way.

Beyond basic happiness and joy.

I think I needed you.

You seemed to be around.

But.

It was just but’s…

Those eyes,

That gazed into mine.

Time to time,

Those words,

That kept me going,

Were blades

In summer rain,

You,

You were my shattered hopes

Which were never to repair.

It hurts to be so close,

And not yet know

How you felt.

Curiosity blinded me.

Excuses were made.

Just to know

What were those thoughts.

“Give up”,

Was all you said.

Tears were all I had.

The end was just there.

You couldn’t wait no more.

Feelings suppressed,

I held on to mine,

Again and again.

Feeling the pain.

Years down the line,

Smiling.

I never had to feel the same.

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~

This was something I’d penned years back in 2011.

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Letting go of myself

Letting go of my heart

Constantly got chaotic returns

But it was always a fresh start

Going through mental pain

Going through the tears

It happens all the time

I now hardly fear

So many reasons

So many excuses

All at one go

It really amuses

I let you hurt me

I let ‘us’ hurt me

Burned a hole

So you could see

All that was left was trust

All that was left was hope

Every bit of it

I had to cope

Forever I’d be there

Forever I’d smile

Just for you

Though apart a thousand miles

I’ll never let go

I’ll never even show

All that I went through

Just for you

Wish I wouldn’t cry

Wish you’d try

To make it possible

To make ‘us’ possible

And as we belong

I’ll wait forever

As long as it takes

For you and I to be together

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Them feels

You’ve had a bad break up. The worst blow you could have. You really loved him with every small atom and molecule in your body. After 4 long months, he says those words, “I can’t take this anymore!” and he leaves. The next is your eyes welling up with tears; the tears that start to blind you. Your lips begin trembling and the tears fall faster. However hard you try to compose yourself to reality, your mind is full of memories and all of them crashing one after another. Every intricate detail, every small thing you remember, all those good times. You gave your heart and soul to this guy and he left. He just chose to abandon you when a day back everything was bliss and you’re wondering where it all went wrong. Your brain can’t function; you feel your heart has temporarily stopped beating and you have no knowledge of your feelings. All those feelings that you had in your stomach when your heart broke, it’s like all the butterflies have now died. You don’t feel strong enough to give yourself any hope, confidence or optimism.

You’re pacing in your room and talking to yourself. All you can say is “No… this can’t be happening…

You realize you’re talking to yourself. It’s absurd but you don’t feel there’s anything better to do. The rest of your family is busy with their daily duties, vision-less and oblivious to your tears, cries and feelings. You suddenly feel lonely. Personally, it’s always happened to me that when you’re in need of someone at that moment, no one is there to be found. You need somebody, anybody to let out your wails of depression and then you find yourself staring at the mirror. You look at how messy you are. You feel dirty all of a sudden. Your red eyes are swollen up and ready to fall out. You’re sniffing your nose, trying so desperately to get a grip of your emotions and you’re terribly failing. You failed. Failed to keep him by your side, failed to give him the happiness he wanted, failed at everything.

Out of this depression there are so many feelings unanswered. You wish to harm yourself, you feel like flinging your phone somewhere, you might want to bang your head on the wall, etc. At the end of all these feelings, you just lie down on your bed, face the sheets and cry. You might get up and feel crying was a waste of energy but you repeat it a few more times. The few ‘friends’ you told that it’s over between you and him, don’t really bother. It’s pure gossip to their ears. They give you some bull advice on moving on, they tell you they’re gonna take you out every day and enjoy and all those other girly things. For a few days you might want to be enclosed within the 4 walls of your room, delete all evidences of your boyfriend, now ex, from your phone and break a few things too.

Nevertheless, the worst feeling of all is when you know he was at fault and you still choose to blame yourself or you make up excuses to make yourself feel better about the situation. He’s mentally and emotionally killed you. That’s how you feel. That’s what he made you feel. You were so attached to him that you accepted all his wrongdoings thinking, “Oh, it’s fine! I love him and mistakes do happen.

What about the times when you over thought? When the small fights between you both began and few things just fell into place? You secretly thought your assumptions that he was up to something you were unaware of were not coincidental but true. You still chose to trust him. You wish you never met him; never fell for his lies, there was no need of loving a deceitful person like him, no need for the pain and no need for everything that he did to make you feel like absolutely nothing.

But when can you let go? How long will it take you to forget those 4 months, those bitter-sweet memories, his voice, his face, all those tiny details about him that you knew? For a fact, it depends on you to move on. It’s you who can bring that change. You can choose to get up, stand on your own two feet and walk. If all the doors of life are locked for you and you have no key, build another one. Try to love yourself. Try to forgive yourself first. Honestly for me, the moving on, the getting up and trying to walk on my own, is very hard. It’s hard for anyone going through something like this. None of you might understand what the actual person has gone through for example, me. Loving someone is not easy. At least not for me it’s not.

To conclude, I’d like to quote,

“Six letters, two words, easy to say, hard to explain, harder to do; Move On.”

 

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Trust Issues

Trust is the most essential thing towards a successful relationship. Yet, it’s the most easily deceivable.

It’s a fact I picked up while reading another blog.

Trust is a tough concept.

It means giving someone the power to hold on to your secrets or to tell them something no one knows about you and expect them to stay mum about it.

How far can you trust someone? On what criteria can you decide to trust someone? When is it right to trust anyone? How far should you trust a person?

I’m sure many of you get greeted with one of these questions in your mind almost every day.

Talking on personal terms, I have trusted 90% of the wrong people my entire life and still find it hard to trust anyone anymore. I don’t even feel that I’m capable of trusting my own feelings along with many others! The results of trusting have been ruthless and unhealthy.

A normal person cannot define the difference between a friend and an enemy because they’re not sure which person is playing what role and whom to trust with their deepest and darkest secrets.

 

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How does one choose to respond to a “Do you trust me?” question? It’s again hard to answer that, especially when someone close to you asks. Everyone expects one of their own to trust them. Think about it. I’d surely feel dejected if my friends couldn’t trust me.

What are the consequences of bad trust? What is the worst that could happen to you? I can faintly recall those days of twisting and turning in bed, clutching my stomach, trying to stop myself from crying too much or playing some depressing track from my playlist on repeat. Is that what anyone wants to do? Trust is a like a piece of paper, once it’s crumpled it’s too hard to remove the creases. That belief you had that entire time, nothing can stop it from crashing. Not until you yourself choose to. You might feel like you’re falling into the deepest, never ending pit of death in the movie 300 and you’ll never bounce back. Here comes the concept of time.

They say time can change people. It can change emotions. It can change feelings. It can change the amount of how much you trust someone. Time can change anything. It can change anyone; physically or mentally. One just needs a little bit of patience but how much is that little bit? I could go on asking these questions and never get a definite answer.

Trust builds any relationship. You trust your parents. You trust your friends. You trust your other half. That very same trust will one day get broken. Since nothing is perfect, nor is the concept of trust. Every day, everywhere, everyone is wounded by broken trust. Those scars shall always remain. It can be as easily broken as a porcelain bowl falling off the table. The lies, the untold truth, the new inventions and even those white lies; trust is broken anywhere.

Trust means you know there is someone to hold you while you fall or someone who has your back. What I can gather from my own experiences is to take some time before you get to start trusting anyone. Observe them, learn more about them, and take mental notes on how the person is before you jump right into trusting them. I won’t talk about how short life is and how we should all live on the edge of it and enjoy. Take your own sweet time in getting to know someone. It’s a lot safer than getting your trust broken and ending up as a depressed soul.

As for trusting yourself, I’ve learned to go with my instincts. They always tell you to choose your heart and not your mind. Well, use both.

All you can do is wait. Wait forever, wait an eternity. Trusting someone is part and parcel of life. I’ve dealt with deceiving friends, cheating boyfriends, countless other incidents and I’d never learn anything from it but I’d like to quote the following to conclude,

It takes a lot of courage and trust to look past what you’ve been through and trust someone new not to put you through it again